Hoist Me High

Hold me nearer to the sun//
Dear humble Dedalus//
For my wings are not waxen//
So I do not fear his warmth//

Hold me where I can see//
Her beauty as she smiles//
She shames the daisies of the fields//
Songstress of the briny blue//

Ah, that I may steal one kind glance//
Hoist me above your head//
Dear Dedalus, nearer her beauty//
For my wings are not waxen//

-brunus

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Toast

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Here’s to those who wish us well
And those who don’t can go to hell

From across the hall we smile
Decked in jewelry and wine in hand
Grinning through ivory teeth all the while
With eyes as warm as desert sand
The cheer is true, I presume
And we love the music of our boasts
So with a clink, let revelry resume
But first, let me propose this toast

Here is to those who wish us well
And those who don’t can go to hell

Raise those glasses high as us
Out with hate and pour love in
For the foe we lose is not a loss
Drown in beer and dance in sin
For we survived amidst the strife
The hurt and slaying and blood and gore
And even a separation from a snivelling wife
And we are happy for ever more

Here is to those who wish us well
And those who don’t… well, bloody hell

The hell with those who wish us ill
I curse their souls with a thousand hexes
I seek just peace and quiet and chill
But this seems to make others vex
To hell with their fake smiles and dopey grins
And false sincerities and cloaked swords
And slopey shoulders and slobbering chins
They try to hide this in flowery words
But I see this, oh, yes I do
They act like they care and I accept the cabaret
But when the cake is baked for who
It may fall, it won’t matter what I said
So raise your glasses, my false friends
Till the stench of the wine reaches the coast
Smile and wish me well till the world ends
And drink to this now famous toast

This is to those who wish Browne well
And those who don’t can go to hell

Piping Bunny

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I was shocked as well to see that we
The pinnacle of society
Were all at the beck and whim
Of one piping bunny

I crawled into his grandiose burrow
And was welcomed with a hum
Hot and fresh or aged for tomorrow
How do you like your rum?

I said I do not drink at all
He scoffed and said “you do”
What matters if the alcohol
Was sugar for a day or two?

We spoke for many hours on end
Until he said, Macbrowne
It was nice to meet a friend
Who comes from out of town

But now your phone will ring, awake,
I know how this will seem
It will seem ludicrous and fake
For you are in a dream

-brunus 7-11-2016

Smug Convict

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A man was ordered to be killed
For several sins he did commit
His fate, it seemed was sealed
He was clothed in captive habit

The appointed morn had dawned
The crowd was thirsty for blood
Before the Prince, and the Priest
Before the hungry blade and God

The Priest prayed and asked him to tell
The Prince his dying wish
He asked for one last mug of ale
He was thirsty for one last swish

The brew was brought to him
But his hands were shaky with fear
More than once the brew spilled from the brim
His eyes were white with care

Down came the Prince from his seat
And said in a lofty way
No man shall behead this unfortunate beast
Until he drinks the last drop of ale

The man on hearing these words
Saw a kind opportunity
To dodge the vengeance of the sword
And escape and go scot free

He emptied the contents of his mug
Onto the hard baked earth
And sat with a smile as smug
As one who had escaped death

The Prince conferred with a few wise men
And saw that the man was free
From death of such unfriendly mien
Instead, they hung him from a tree

– brunus

The Pinocchio Paradox

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I trust that most of is have heard of, if not read the children’s book written by Carlo Collodi. This tale has even been committed to the screen by many which include that great plagiarist [sic] Walt Disney. It is the tale of a wooden doll and his quest to become a real boy. His quest does not concern us, however, but his interesting honker. His nose grows in length whenever he is under stress or he tells a lie. This was a curse by the blue fairy due to his inclination to exhibit rather brattish and spoiled traits. Ergo, whenever he makes a statement which he knows to himself to be untrue, his nose elongates.
I believe that Kind Mr Collodi must have been trying to teach those little Ninos and Ninas in Italy at the time the detriment stress of lying and that is noble… yet he was unaware that he had fed idle, agile minds like mine a paradox to ponder to madness.
As per the picture above, if you read the fine print below, when he says a lie or something he knows is untrue, the nose will grow. Now, if he says to someone “my nose will now grow”, he knows this to be untrue as noses do not grow on their own (unless you were hexed by a very powerful blue witch) so he is lying. Therefore, after the statement, his nose will grow, thereby meaning that he told the truth. This then defeats the whole Pinocchio character, because his whole gig was the lying and nose-growing.
Now, where he tells the truth, accidentally, knowing it to be a lie, has he told a lie or the truth? He must have known that the nose will grow after he lies and he wilfully lied by saying it would grow, which it did, thereby meaning he told the truth, accidentally. If one tells a lie from his heart, that eventually turns out to be the truth, is it a lie or the truth?

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Picture this poser: A friend walks up to me telling me that he thinks he murdered his wife, because he woke up after a night of binge drinking and found her in his bed covered in blood and a knife in his hand. Acting as a good friend, I help him dispose of all evidence and call the police, trying to pin the crime on the creepy janitor. In the course of investigation, one smart ass police officer discovers the cover up plot and in so doing, professionally finds evidence that the janitor was the culprit all along. Now, the question is this: did we lie to the police, or did we just tell a delayed truth?

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Grumpy Cat Thinks This Is The Solution

So, if the wooden toy’s nose can grow from a delayed truth, then that means that pending when the statement is verified (by a series of controlled circumstances), it is not a lie, but simply a delayed truth… or isn’t it?
I do not really think that Mr Collodi thought of this groundbreaking philosophy while he was hammering and chiselling our beloved boy into shape, but we are sure glad he formed such an insightful character that has opened our eyes to “delayed truths”.

Thank you for reading.
Rhetor.

Ask Me Anything

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Ask me anything.
Any question that bothers your mind or your heart. Ask me anything because I can answer any question or poser you may decide to face me with. You may ask me when the Universe began or when the Earth was formed. You can ask me when the first people got here and if we are the product of selective evolution. You may also ask me the age of the mountain or the depth of the deepest sea.
Yes, indeed. You may ask me if there is life on Mars or if Venus is capable of supporting human life. You may ask me if Neil Armstrong really made it to the moon or if the moon landing was faked. You may throw posers at me about the fabric of the Universe and the mechanics of space and time.

You may even ask me if we were created by a benevolent God or if He put us down here for some kind of sport. You may ask me if He has a Son or a Spirit and is really in control of all our daily travails. You may ask me why and when we die, requesting diagrams and illustrations of the events that occur post-mortem. Yes… You may ask me that.

You may ask me why life socks so much sometimes. You may question me why a baby is born with cancer and a murderer lives past seventy. You may ask me why the sun only seems to shine on the honest, and the dishonest are always shaded by huge parasols bought with filthy money. You can ask me why we are ferried off into institutions to learn how to be human and forget that the best way to learn that is simply be human.

You can ask me anything, my friends… anything at all. You can ask me why I am so derisive of life, ignoring all its attempts to simply “live”. You can ask me why even though I have it here so much, I don’t just move on and forget all about this. You can write down your questions, such as why I wake up every morning with a sneer on my face and how I know that you wake up with a sneer on your face as well. Ask me why I rely on social media to keep in touch yet cannot say a word to you even if we are locked in the same room with no provisions and ate forced to share bedding. Ask me Anything, folks… anything indeed!

Ask me why I beg you for your posers. Ask me why I have this sickening fetishism for attention. Ask me why I cannot just exist on my own and wrestle my own demons or try to win them over to my side with treats of chocolate cake and ice cream (demons love those, BTW). Ask me why I cannot just lie on my bed, and be who I was meant to be, a man, born of a woman, in this charade called life. You can ask me anything.

And when you do ask, I will pop this last cyanide pill I saved from the Holocaust, drink it down with some schweppes, look you dead in the eye and reply “I do not know”.

-Rhetor

Treatise on Idiocy

TREATISE ON IDIOCY
Many people have misguided views on stupidity and idiocy. Most people do not understand what being an idiot really is, and as such, they think it is an easy feat to pull off. They may also believe that being an idiot requires no practice and as such, it is inborn. This last conjecture is true to some extent, as I must admit, but recent studies have revealed that for one to hone the fine skill of stupidity to sheer perfection, more than just inborn gifts is needed.
I must pay my respect to the author of “Bubba’s Laws of Intelligence” as it is the base inspiration for this work. I have borrowed from the premises of that well read scholar and I have agreed with his reasoning and thusly, I have come up with this treatise.
According to the scholar, he believes that stupidity is conserved, conductible and as such, it is latent, yet transferrable from one person to another. This latent stupidity can be increased, decreased, changed or morphed into any form, but just like Einstein propounded about matter, stupidity cannot be destroyed. It will still exist, no matter what is done to undermine it, expel it, eliminate it or consume it. It will still be there.
Talking about the transfer of stupidity from one body to another brings me to the topic for the evening. Idiocy.
Idiocy has been defined as the transfer of stupidity from one body to another, either through a permeable membrane, of a clear medium. I would prefer to represent this with the equation:
Ᵽ±µ↔∑ᴄ⁺ᾳ
Where Ᵽ equals the basic stupidity of the human, µ equals the influx or outflow of stupidity, c equals the constant of surroundings and ᾳ equals the increase in age and with it, the mounting affinity for crystallized stupidity. From this theorem, it is clear that the basic stupidity of the human being with an introduction of stupidity through the medium of idiocy has little or no variation from the constant material for stupidity that the environment provides and the crystallization of stupidity with age.
Now, transfer of stupidity (idiocy), can occur in various ways. One of the most prevalent is the Internet. The internet is the greatest transmitter of stupid information, and now, with easy access to it, we have a tsunami of information pillaging our senses. Thus, if the time variance is the only variable in the equation and we have a steady flow of symmetrical information, all test subjects will record positive on the counter.
Another medium of transfer is human interaction. Even though human interaction can still occur over the internet and social media, we still have a magnetic attraction towards other people with the same physically stupid traits as we do. The space time continuum of equilibrist stupidity will apply here, proving that where two humans with varying levels of stupidity engage in an intercourse of scientific stupidity, the latency of the stupidity is banished and the apparent viscosity of the human mind is reduced, thereby promoting an uninhibited communion of idiocy.
There are many other methods of transfer, such as social media, sport, etc., but these two that have been explained should suffice for the time being.
Now, this brings us to the concept of entropy. Entropy is the inverse relationship between the stupidity of a being and its diminishing intelligence. According to the author previously cited, the entropy of a system in an intellectual equilibrium is zero, as the intellect approached zero. This is where the social media would come into play, as it has been posited that the only deciding factor where the entropy of the system reaches zero is the number of Facebook friends it has. The latency of the equilibrist state is destroyed by the interactions the system has with the outside world, and as such, compare this to dye at the bottom of clear water, undisturbed. If shaken, well, you know the rest.
In conclusion, still on the matter of entropy, some systems have shown a profound ability to refuse the theorem posited by me and have seemingly become smarter than the average stupid person. This is rather unfortunate, for due to the concept of entropy, the wisdom or smartness they portray, does not affect they themselves but goes on a much wider scale. This is so because nature must have her way. Their smartness has found a way of telling on the rest of the populace and as such, for every smart person, a million stupid ones were born.
Thank you very much for reading.
Rhetor